How to Become an Influencing Partner in a Thriving Marriage.

Jun 22

“If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go together”

In today's blog, I wanted to depart from my usual content and chat about a subject that holds great importance in my life: partnership at home, specifically within the context of marriage.

While this may not directly apply to everyone, especially those who aren't married, I believe sharing this side of my story can offer valuable insights for your future relationships. Additionally, it may resonate with those who have close connections with friends or family members. I hope that by exploring the dynamics of marriage, we can have meaningful perspectives and lessons that will resonate for growth.

*Disclaimer: I am not an expert in marriage advise. This blog is my own reflection from real-life experience.

Before I jump into this topic, let me give you a background to my past boy-girl relationships…

(List by age):

15, Battled by abuse

18, Gave up a long distance relationship

19, Walked into another unhealthy relationship

28, Finally single

29, James and I met

31, He proposed!

33, We got hitched!!

38, Celebrating our 5th year of marriage this October.

Unfortunately, I was a total wreck in my previous relationships. It was extremely exhausting. So yes, this soul mate, the matchmaker of Heaven does share a huge part to this miracle marriage I’ve embarked on.

Our earlier years in the marriage were a whirlwind. We fought and walked away angry too many times. There were many factors that may have caused the downturn of our marriage. Despite appearing perfect, there was underlying tension.

James and I have a uniquely special relationship, which took us a while to truly embrace. Today, I feel compelled to share what it truly means to stay married. I am inspired by testimonies of marriages lasting 40s, 50s, and even longer. These stories touch me deeply because they highlight the reality of facing differences and navigating through challenging times together.

The two years of lockdown have also greatly influenced the choices we have made as a couple.

We became self-employed and chose to thrive for our respective dreams.

Yes, I know it may have seemed like the craziest decision to make, and indeed, we took a financial risk as newlyweds.

Fortunately, we did not have any debts (I'd love to delve into this topic in another post). So, as a newly almost jobless couple, we held back our intention to purchase a house and invested all our resources into building our businesses.

James is an architect and interior designer, and we are well aware of the stresses this industry brings. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out how drawing flowers could generate income. Now you get a glimpse into our early days of marriage, right? We were essentially striving to make it work.

In this blog, I'd like to share a few areas in which I feel I have grown by embracing myself as a wife while building a business.

LESSONS I'VE EMBRACED AS A WIFE

(AND AM STILL LEARNING)

1

WE EACH HAVE OUR OWN FAITH TO WALK

Well, as you know, we trust the same God, but we each have our own faith journey to walk. I may have been a believer longer than James, but that doesn't mean his faith is lesser than mine. In fact, I have learned so much from his perspective on life and how he interprets God's goodness in him and over us. His trust in God differs from mine.

Trusting God equally doesn't mean we see eye to eye on everything. However, being yoked with a man who sees God as Sovereign, Peacemaker, Protector, and Provider has added tremendous value to my life. I am grateful that I don’t have to battle a long day for my husband to understand me because our shared faith in God connects us at the deepest level.

Not only that, we have our own set of friends whom we can heart to heart with as well as common friends that become witnesses to our miracle marriage.

2

SHIFTING THE FOCUS TO SELF-GROWTH

Expanding our self-awareness goes beyond mere self-care and personal time. It involves actively becoming a problem solver rather than a problem maker in our relationships. Recognizing the responsibilities James already carries with his work, I've realized the importance of not burdening him unnecessarily with my own worries.

When it comes to expressing love, my primary language is quality time, which holds great significance for me. I thrive on having ample time together. On the other hand, James also values quality time, but he seeks it as a means to unwind and relax, finding solace in just the right amount of it. Our distinct needs and preferences for stress relief activities reflect our individuality.

James finds rejuvenation on challenging bike trails, while I simply enjoy leisurely cycling at the park. Embracing the fact that we lead separate lives with unique interests and passions has been a valuable lesson. However, it remains crucial that we consistently come together as a united front, functioning as a harmonious entity. This approach enables us to preserve our individuality while nurturing our bond as a couple. Striking a delicate balance between personal time and shared experiences strengthens our relationship and support each other's well-being.

Continue reading: How we spend time together

3

RESPECT + PRAISE ONE ANOTHER

“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.” Proverbs 31:23

In Ellicott’s Commentary for English Readers, the author explains this verse in this way: “Her husband is known in the gates. Instead of being a hindrance to her husband’s advancement, she furthers it. Her influence for good extends to him also. Having no domestic anxieties, he is set free to do his part in public life.”

Actively engage in intentional practices by asking questions that bring life and uplift one another. This conscious effort has had a significant impact on my relationships. I owe a debt of gratitude to my girlfriends, who have played a crucial role in inspiring me through their intentional questions and thoughtful responses. I truly cherish each one of them. It's refreshing to be surrounded by individuals who encourage deeper contemplation about the meaning of life. Since leaving the fashion industry, I am no longer interested in gossip or conversations centered around fashion or sales. Instead, I crave intentional discussions that uplift and inspire.

“Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.”
Proverbs 31:31

It's true that in many cultures, including Asian cultures like Singaporean, there is often a tendency to focus on pointing out flaws or criticizing rather than expressing positive affirmations.

By consciously choosing to break away from this pattern and intentionally speaking well of your loved ones, you're creating a nurturing and uplifting environment. It's a powerful way to build and strengthen relationships, fostering a sense of love, appreciation, and support.

This shift in mindset positively impacts not only my relationship with James but also my interactions with others. By focusing on the positive aspects and strengths of those around me, I am fostering a culture of encouragement and building a stronger sense of connection.

All of these change takes time, and it might take a while for others to adapt to this shift in communication style. However, my consistent effort in speaking life and highlighting the good in James and others seems to create a positive ripple effect, influencing those around me and potentially inspiring them to do the same.

4

BE PRECISE WITH WHAT’S FOR DINNER

On a good day,

Me, craving for pasta (in my mind)

J: Would you like to have pasta?

Me: You're spot on!

On a bad day,

Me, craving for pasta (in my mind)

J: Would you like to have bbq meat?

Me: Okay… but proceeds with regrets

On days that are a constant work in progress:

Me: Wana have pasta for dinner?

James: Okay

Me: Aite, I’ve made the reservation at our usual 8 pm

This applies to various aspects of life, even when it comes to arranging meals with family or planning impromptu dinners and drinks with friends. Personally, when it comes to meals with my husband, who I dine with most of the time, I’ve learned to have some control over what I eat. Although he usually takes charge of deciding where to go (and he does have a knack for finding great food places). Thankfully, we both acknowledge the need to make healthier choices now.

Remember, it's a common struggle for many people to strike a balance between indulging in delicious meals and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. By openly communicating with your husband about your desires for healthier choices and finding a middle ground, you can work together towards making better decisions for your well-being too.

Plus, going for regular medical checkups together is healthy for the marriage too. James and I recently visited Ardennes Health if you need an alternative.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Let me conclude with 3 thought-provoking questions to delve deeper into your marriage:

Are you consistently practicing intentionality by asking uplifting questions and expressing words of affirmation to your partner?
Do you prioritize and set aside time for unplugged date nights, employing methods that foster a deeper connection?
Do you have friends within your inner circle who genuinely see the positive aspects of your marriage?

I also encourage you to share your answers on my social media platforms so that we can support and empower more wives together.

If you find value in this topic and would like me to continue writing about marriages and relationships, please feel free to send me a message or share your insights on how you maintain your healthy relationship. I would love to engage with you on a deeper level.

✘ crz